      
      I came up with this after watching Perot's interview on Larry
      King Live here in L.A. I couldn't help but be amazed at the
      similarity between Mr. Perot and Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes.
      
      The story is mine, the characters Mr. Watterson's.
      
      An interview with presidential candidate Calvin with running mate
      Hobbes the tiger.
      
      Interviewer:"I'm sitting here with the latest entry into the
      presidential race, Calvin and his running mate Hobbes.  This is
      the first time a grade schooler and a stuffed tiger have declared
      themselves eligible for the Oval Office. Gentlemen, er, um make
      that Mr. Calvin and uh, well... Got it!   Fellow mammals, there
      is no denying your success in the world of comics.  And unlike
      the other candidates you will not have to achieve name
      recognition. But what people want to know is will you be able to
      make the transition from the funnies to the Presidency?"
      
      Calvin:"Considering the last two presidents would have been more
      successful on the Sunday comics than in office, I don't see why
      not."
      
      Interviewer:"But what about you, Hobbes?  Since you only exist in
      the mind of a grade schooler there's no way you can serve any
      useful function as VP, except as entertainment for the press. 
      Don't you think that will hurt your election chances?"
      
      Calvin:"Look at Dan Quayle."
      
      Interviewer:"Good point.  But the constitution requires
      candidates to be 35."
      
      Calvin:"I'm old enough as long as I have this!" (produces a small
      card and hands it to the interviewer)
      
      Interviewer:"But this is your father's driver licence with your
      picture pasted over his and his name crossed out and "Calvin"
      written in crayon!"
      
      Calvin:"Shhh, not so loud.  I only have to show it once and after
      it's been through the wash a few times no one will be able to
      tell."
      
      Interviewer:"Well, best of luck.  Let's move onto the issues.  As
      I understand it if elected you will pay off the deficit by
      slashing the defense budget to nothing.  What will you do if
      someone like Saddam Hussien decides to annex the U.S.?"
      
      Calvin:"No problem, Hobbes will eat 'em."
      
      Interviewer:"What?"
      
      Calvin:"Hobbes will eat 'em.  Tigers are good for that.  Show him
      Hobbes."
      
      Hobbes:"Grrrrr."
      
      Interviewer:"But he's just a stuffed tiger!"
      
      Hobbes:"Grrrooowwlll!"
      
      Calvin:"Boy, it's a good thing I fed him before we got here.  He
      doesn't like to be called a stuffed tiger."
      
      Interviewer:"But, but, but... never mind.   What about gun
      control?"
      
      Calvin:"Guns don't kill people, people don't kill people, bullets
      kill people! I figure if people want guns, that's fine.  We just
      outlaw bullets."
      
      Interviewer:"Don't you think that criminals will be able to get
      bullets anyway?  What about the police, will they have bullets?"
      
      Calvin:"The police won't need bullets because I'll tranmorgify
      them into dinosaurs.  I'm partial to Tyrannosaurs Rexes but
      anything big will work."
      
      Interviewer:"Transmogrify?"
      
      Calvin:"Sure, with my transmogrifier over there." (Points to
      overturned cardboard box with TRANSMOGRIFIER written on it)
      
      Interviewer:"Amazing what they can do with corrugated cardboard
      and a crayon, isn't it?"
      
      Calvin:"Sure.  I built it myself!  You just turn the dial to what
      ever you want and crawl inside and it changes you.  Right now it
      can only change you into a Tyrannosaurs Rex and a Tiger, but I
      left some room to write more things down."
      
      Interviewer:"But it's not big enough to hold a big dinosaur!"
      
      Calvin:"Well there are still a few bugs that I'm working on, like
      changing back to a human afterwards, but I figure after I become
      Grand Poobah of the Universe I'll be able to get as big a box as
      I need."
      
      Interviewer:"Grand Poobah of the Universe?"
      
      Calvin:"That's going to be my first action.  President Calvin
      sounds so bland compared to Calvin, Grand Poobah of the
      Universe."
      
      Interviewer:"Let's talk about your election chances.  Are you
      running as a Democrat, Republican or Independent?"
      
      Calvin:"All of them."
      
      Interviewer:"But, but, you can't *do* that!"
      
      Calvin:"There's nothing in the rules that says you can't run as
      all three, besides I figure I'll get more votes that way."
      
      Interviewer:"Can't argue with logic like that.  But,
      realistically, what do you think your chances are entering this
      late in the race with no campaign manager, funds or even a
      coherent advertising strategy?"
      
      Calvin:"Pretty good considering I'll be running unopposed."
      
      Interviewer:"What about Bush, Clinton and Perot?"
      
      Calvin:"No problem, Hobbes will eat 'em."
      
      Hobbes:"Growl!"
      
      Interviewer:"What?!  You just can't eat your opposition!"
      
      Calvin:"There's nothing in the rules that says, "No tigers eating
      opposing candidates."  Just keep it under your hat because Hobbes
      will have an easier time if they don't expect him to pounce them. 
      I figure it's not my fault that none of the other candidates
      choose tigers as VP. "
      
      Interviewer:"I can guarantee that you'll have a monopoly on
      tigers as running mates.  What is your stand on education?"
      
      Calvin:"I hate it.  We should outlaw it.  Who needs to add
      anyway?  That's what we have calculators for.  I figure if you
      can't learn it by watching TV it isn't worth knowing."
      
      Interviewer:"What kind of country are we going to become if we
      have no education system.?"
      
      Calvin:"I didn't say we should all be ignorant.  I'll just modify
      my transmogrifier to include genius and anyone who wants to be
      smarter can be."
      
      Interviewer:"What about yourself, don't you want to be smarter?"
      
      Calvin:"Anyone who comes up with a transmogrifier is smart enough
      for me."
      
      Interviewer:"Have you ever smoked a marijuana cigarette?"
      
      Calvin:"I don't even know what that is.  Once I bought a pack of
      candy cigarettes and put one in my mouth in front of my mom. 
      When she told me not to smoke I ate it.  It was great!"
      
      Interviewer:"You don't know what marijuana is?  How are you going
      to effectively enforce drug laws?"
      
      Calvin:"I don't think enforcement will be a problem if the entire
      police force consists of Tyrannosaurs Rexes!"
      
      Interviewer:"Sorry, I forgot about that.  By the way what exactly
      is your platform?"
      
      Calvin:"A cookie jar in every kitchen and a transmogrifier in
      every garage."
      
      Interviewer:"Interesting.  We're almost out time, so just
      one more question.  What will you do if no one votes for you?"
      
      Calvin:"They'd better, or else."
      
      Interviewer:"Or else what?  Wait don't tell me, let me guess. 
      Hobbes will eat them, right?
      
      Calvin:(smiles)
      
      Hobbes:"Growf?"
      
      Calvin:"Don't worry Hobbes.  If you can't eat that many people
      will transmogrify some people into tigers to give you a hand."
      
      Hobbes:"An eminently wise decision, my friend."
      
      Interviewer:"Well I guess that concludes this interview. 
      Normally I would say these two jokers have a snowball's chance in
      hell of making it but something tells me they might just have
      something.  If, come November, we are swearing in a Grand Poobah
      of the Universe and are wondering if the VP has fleas, just point
      me towards the nearest transmogrifier, I'm going to join the
      police force!"
      
